Dylan Donahue

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The “Miracle” at the Wedding

The “Miracle” at the Wedding

The following was translated, exactly as it was written, from Hebrew.

I’ve kept my mouth shut all these years and let John take all the credit but I feel that I should finally set the record straight about the first “miracle” performed by Jesus of Nazareth. Obviously he went on to turn the world upside down, but it was not always smooth sailing with that guy.  The day started with a beautiful ceremony – which Jesus missed, by the way – a really small affair with some nice music.  The couple wrote their own vows, and they actually put some thought into it, which was nice.  As we made our way over to the reception, all of a sudden this guy Jesus shows up with 12 of his friends and his mother.  The wedding planner was shocked, and Jesus kept swearing that he “got a +12”  on his invite and that he “cleared it with the groom”, and that they were “family friends”, and that it “really isn’t that big of a deal”, whatever that means.  Well, it doubled the size of this wedding and those guys were big drinkers, so we ran out of wine pretty quickly.

 I overheard Jesus’ mother telling him “They’re out of wine… someone should do something about this” and Jesus wasn’t taking the hint.  She finally stopped being coy and said “You need to fix this.  The wine is gone and people are thirsty. Do something!” 

Well, Jesus was having none of it.  He kept saying “It’s not my time”, and his mom flipped.  It was not the kind of tiff you have in public. “30 years I’ve been raising you, providing for you, letting you live in my house and it’s always the same thing.  You always say it’s not your time, well when is your time?  I mean this is ridiculous.”  He looked pretty embarrassed after getting reamed like that in front of his crew.  At one point Thomas laughed and Jesus shot him the iciest look I’ve ever seen. The room fell silent after that and people were just kind of quiet.  I guess he took the hint because he said “Fine!” and grabbed a waiter and headed towards the back.  He came back a minute later and announced “Let’s get this party started!” and 10 waiters paraded out with bottle after bottle of wine. 

The wine was awesome.  Everywhere I walked I heard people saying “This wine is delish”, or “Wow, what a step up”, or “Much better than that garbage we were drinking before, right?” It was really good wine, and it complimented the food beautifully.  All of a sudden I see the Bride’s father walking very quickly towards Jesus so I kind of hung around the periphery to listen.  “What was that all about, Jesus?  Are you really upstaging me on my baby girl’s big day?” 

Jesus was like “Not at all, what are you talking about?”

The Bride’s father goes “I mean this is my party, and you came in with better wine and made some big spectacle about it.  This was supposed to be my thing.”

So Jesus goes “Well, it ran out, and everybody was asking me to do something about it, so I did.  I was trying to help.”

And the father was all like “Well I bought a specific amount of wine because my wife has a little bit of a problem and the goal was that when it ran out, that was it. And keep in mind there was plenty until you showed up with 12 friends and drank it all.” You know, really laying it on thick, which kind of got on Jesus’ nerves.  

 And Jesus was like “Look, Mark, I saw a need, and I addressed it, that’s all”

Mark was all “I mean they’re saying my wine was garbage. You kind of made me look like an idiot out there and that’s really not that cool of you”

So Jesus, understandably, felt bad and he got everyone’s attention and said “How about Mark, throwing a great wedding for his daughter everyone?  Round of applause for Mark!” but everyone kind of looked at him like “what are you talking about?” and went back to drinking and eating.

So he looked back at Mark and he said “Hey man, I’m really sorry I’m just kind of having a bad day. My Mom was really on my case, and then one of my boys laughed at me, and I guess I just should have done nothing.”

Mark patted him on the back and said “You know what, I’m sorry.  You were just trying to help.  I’m all stressed out because I spent more than I should have on this thing… Anyways I think it was really cool that you magically turned water into wine.”

Jesus paused, and looked at Mark in a really appreciative way.  You could tell it made him feel good.

At this point the groom and his friends started getting kind of drunk, and it’s a real somber wine drunk, and they started singing these old ballads, real sad songs.  They’re all patting each other on the back and saying “I love you man, I really do” and then belting out these songs that are not exactly wedding music.  The bride had this look on her face like she just can’t believe the wheels are coming off this early at her wedding and she starts crying.  She got more and more worked up and then just sort of announced to no one in particular “I just wanted my wedding day to be happy!” and stormed off.  The room fell silent. Her mother, having really been enjoying the new, good wine, just rolled her eyes and said to Jesus’ mother “She has always been overly emotional and self centered.  Everyone else is having a great time, why can’t she?” She said it a little too loud and everyone kind of heard.  The groom rushed after her and apologized, and they made up in no time, thankfully.

About a half hour later, everyone had clearly had too much wine. The bride’s mother sort of slipped when she was dancing with Bartholomew (a bit inappropriately, I might add), and she hit her head.  Mark gave Jesus a look like “see what I mean” but in a playful way since they had bonded.  Jesus sort of threw his hands up and shrugged like “we can’t win, can we”.  The bride, being overly emotional towards her mother, started shouting to help her up, yelling “Someone get her a glass of water!”  A minute later a waiter came back and said “There actually isn’t any water, ma’am.”

“What do you mean there isn’t any water? There were ten huge jugs of it earlier.”

“It was all turned into wine”

The bride and groom both glared at Jesus and the groom said “Can you turn some of it back into water please?  She really needs some water”

Jesus kind of looked down at his feet and said “It doesn’t really work like that.”

“Wait, you turned it all into wine permanently?  What were you thinking?  Do you know how bad our hangovers are going to be if we don’t have any water before leaving?  And Sarah’s mother just hit her head!”

Now Jesus had been having a few glasses too and this was it.  “First there is no wine, so what do I do?  I go and turn the water into wine! And now you’re mad that there isn’t water?  I’m sorry I tried to do something nice for you guys.  Good luck turning the water into wine after I DIE!”

The groom goes “Don’t talk like that.  You’re drunk.  Stop being dramatic.”

And Jesus said “No seriously, sometimes I just wonder what would happen if I was killed.  You’d all feel terrible!  I made this a party!  This was nothing until I got here!”

The Bride’s father was visibly upset and just put his head down and said “really man?” and Jesus, realizing now that his words had consequences quickly changed course.  “I’m sorry Mark, you did a great job, I just sometimes feel like these guys don’t appreciate me.”  And Mark goes “It’s ok, Jesus, I know what you meant, it just stings a bit.”

The party kind of cleared out after that and everyone was in a weird mood.  Anyways, that’s the real story of the “Miracle” at the wedding.

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The Bell House


149 7th St, Brooklyn

“No bar is any good that doesn’t carry Chivas” a patron was overhead muttering to himself one Tuesday around 2 in the afternoon. Luckily, that patron had his own, and he generously sipped from it as he surveiled the place. “Sir, you can’t bring outside beverages in here” a…

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The Sixth Eagle.

So funny

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THURSDAY.  11PM.  UCB Chelsea.

Get your reservations: http://newyork.ucbtheatre.com/performances/view/28820

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(Source: heykurt)